It’s easy to envy your dreams,
Especially when you crave in reality for it to happen,
How desperate you feel when you wake up and those dreams fade off,
How your imagination seems to wonder the most when your eyes are closed

It’s easy for people to want to escape for a while,
To be lost, feeling unfamiliar with everything around you,
Because you cant find any beauty in where you’re living anymore,
It’s sickens you to see the same faces consistently
You enjoy that everything’s a mystery,

We can be foolish and say we don't envy each other,
But we are all a little bit of everything, rolled into one
and that's where we clash..

We are ballerinas
Perfectly aligned from our toes to our finger tips to our head
It’s peaceful but captivating
We dance as were floating on clouds
Or stuck in that dream that you don't want to be interrupted from..
But those beaming lights do complete us,
It puts those in spotlight who need to release pain,

We scatter our fears as the ice fractures,
We are stuck in that bubble,
Some easily can pop it, as others use it as a shield
But the bubbles do separate us,
They put everything in perspective..

There is destruction, we stomp on destruction
We wear our spots because it represents what is unspoken,
It's a mystery, all unaware of each other,
Disguised with masks,
Paralyzed when someone dares to do different,
Crush those masks,
No rules implied
Slip away from the ecclesiastical..

Our lies are stuck,
Our mistakes return
Our hopes grow thicker,
Our begging shakes,
Our pain cries out,
Our threats tangle,
Is it tortuous that nothing slips through?
Every emotion connected in some way,
It's all so clear
Hard to be isolated from it all,
Are you motivated yet?

crushing," "ecclesiastical," and "shatter

We are ballerinas
Perfectly aligned from toes to finger tips to our head
It’s peaceful but captivating
We scatter our fears as the ice fractures,
The bubbles release our tension,
The beaming lights complete its atmosphere,
There is destruction, we stomp on destruction
You hear it from miles away,
Unaware of each other,
Disguised with masks,

not donee

I’m yearning for change,
Someone please discover my desperation,
Recognize I can be more than this
I’m losing my own hope,
Can anyone hear me?
I sit alone, I stare at nothing
I am a predator in my own home,
Is this even a home?
I’m not sure who to blame,
But you did this to me,
Steal my disease, let me run away with you
I’ve devoted all my time preparing for that one day of
Reaching the world of salvation, hallucinating that any second
Now that door will emerge open with endless possibilities

not donee

I’m yearning for change,
Someone please discover my desperation,
Recognize I can be more than this
I’m losing my own hope.

Can anyone hear me?
I heard there's a big world out there,
It's so unspoken, such a blur
I stare at nothing, I am alone

I am a predator in my own home,
Is this even a home?
I am trapped, I watch my child like behaviors control me
I display them as I pretend none of this is true,

I lost my ability to think sanely, my mind used to wonder
What's left is quickly slipping from my fingers,
I’m not sure who to blame, but let me sting you with my poison
Just please steal my disease, let me feel a rush of excitement
Let me run away with you..

I’ve devoted all my time preparing for that one day of
Reaching the world of salvation, hallucinating that any second
Now that door will emerge open with endless possibilities
but those are all just dreams,
my only comfort is those dreams,
goodnight.

Both once alone in this big world,
Now i rely on his touch
It's uncontrollable, inexpressible
The way he looks at me shakens my inside
I grow off him, he grows off me,
I can't let go, he's what I crave
He reflects who I am today
Without him, I am small
No doubts,
No pressure to say this:
He completes me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0bzmjZQYno

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0bzmjZQYno

My toes walk in and out of dark shadowed sandy holes,
It leaves shivers running up and down my spine
I scrutinized the miniature footprints left behind by the black bird,
And how it sheds off its feathers ever step it strides
The slippery, soft feather rubs off a warm vibe as I held it securely in my hand
Leaves crunch noisily as my feet tear them to pieces
The burning sense of enduring flames
Stays with me as I idolize everything
The crashing of waves leaves a taste of salt on the tip of my tongue,
I breathe in my passion for this beach,
I'm not ready to leave.

I grip firmly onto the handle bars, the tension increases between the wind and I, the rough waves create a bumpy ride, and I stare out but all I see is the open sea. I teared, my eye sight became blurry as I amplified the speed to feel more like I’m fulfilling my adventure. Suddenly the feeling of reality washed away as I just idealized everything around me. I thought many times it was the waves that was guiding me through, not me.
Shortly after I realized I was alone, just me and the sea, I decided to head towards the shore where my friends were near. I was gliding full speed against the waves and I felt the Jet Ski dig deep into the sea. I shifted my handlebars to the right as I prepared for my turn against the waves, and I felt my body start to stumble and lose balance. Where my feet was placed had gotten too wet to grip onto, and I barely had control of my hands on the handle bars. My panics and feeling uneasy quickly distracted me. In a split second, there I was thrown off with the jet ski long gone, no life jacket, and no one to reassure me everything is going to be okay.I squirm around as sea weed inches its way towards my body. I'm loosing my breath, and I'm indecisive. I yell out names and I let out my piercing screams but my cries are helpless, they just fade off. I receive nothing, my hope is now tangled into nothing. I felt a vibration rise from underneath and repeating waves crashing along the surface. Suddenly I see part of a sail boat heading in my direction; I wave my arms around frantically, and my desperation shines clearly through. At this point my energy has vanished and I’m digging deep inside to keep my feet moving while keeping my hands up high. I feel frail, pathetic, and my muscles are giving up. All I can think of is I lost. I feel my body slipping away into the sea until sudden screams attack my ear drum. "Jackie, Jackie, Jackie!" Each scream becomes closer and closer, until the lifeguards spot me. It was a blur from there on, they caught me right in time. I'm alive but every inch of me is bruised.

flower

A new born child is innocent, using their five senses for the first time,
Does not see what the world has to offer, but only sees what’s right in front of their eyes.
They are speechless as they grow off their parent’s character and discipline,
Inch by inch, pound by pound they develop more into a young boy or girl.
They feel different emotions, they discover enemies and friends, they get introduced to the basic rules of life like what's the right and wrong way to behave and BAM..
Those little boys and girls aren't quite little anymore
As time passes along and those years have faded, they soon blossom into teenagers
Where they see a different side to the world they have never seen before,
Where its in their hands to decide what kind of future they want for themselves,
They see it’s a challenge to divide their time wisely between school, a social life, and possibly having a job.
Parents tend to ease off, from always watching over them to putting faith in them to make a good decision
They get put in decisions that can stay with them throughout their life,
They tumble in and out of experiencing the strong emotions:
Pain, acceptance, fear and love.
This stage of life is a test of their maturity.
When that test is completed, its as if the world is rotating as you age and is now showing off a new part of the world,
The college life.
No body said it was easy, your alone but so is everybody else your surrounded by,
Its about taking chances, letting new people in while containing a strong steady mind.
Where people rip you apart to bits and pieces and as a nineteen year old you have the power to let it affect you or not,
It's your time to decide what kind of person you want to convey,
And somewhere in the mist of things, you do start to find yourself
And hopefully you walk out with a hunger to give it your all in life
It's time.
You know to get your head out of the clouds and make things happen.
Another side of the world faces your way,
You enter.
Its mother hood and marriage.
Your selfish ways are long gone, those kids come first,
Your their protection, their idol, they inspire themselves to be you
You trace the steps of your mother because your unfamiliar,
You feel warmth that your finally settling
Your not in lock down, you know its good to be in love
You never knew you could handle being stuck with that one person for the rest of your life, but your surprisingly excited
Your not ashamed of your mistakes, you watch your kids grow up,
And in your eyes, their ideal.
It’s now your turn to do all the seeking,
Your there to fall back on but right now your just doing all the observing,
How once your little boy or girl now has their own family,
What a pushover you are, you spoil them because your supposed to
You know you’re a grandmother or grandfather
It’s time for you to get taken care of,
And you hope your kids are willing to do anything for you
Your crippled, weak, your world slows down while everyone else’s seems not to
You know you been through it all, but your still afraid of the inevitable,
It’s as if all the peddles to that flower is shedding off, only leaving you to
Death..

words

New beginnings
Soothing
Happiness
Golden
Fresh
Calm
Beautiful
Summer
Warmth
Cleansing
Opportunity
Morning
Excitement
Enduring
Passion
Patience
Positive
Friendly
Joy
life

thanksgiving feast, not done yet

The door's open! Beyonce walks in, we make quick conversations, exchange compliments and as were rambling about the upcoming Thanksgiving feast and how it's going to be so delicious .. The door bell rings, Beyonce waits there still and has a dazed look on her face. "Oh welcome Pink! You know Beyonce right?" Both glimpse over at each other, give off a smile, and as it was all planned, spoke out at the same time, "Yes I do, but I had no idea you were coming." My laugh came bursting out. With a wide smile on my face, I said, "Yes you guys didn't but I did!" Once again the bell rang, which interrupted a plan I was just ready to reveal. I look back over at Pink and Beyonce and yell, "Guess who?" They shrug their shoulders, paralyzed for information, I let their anxiety build up as I continued to keep the door closed. I push open the door, and there is Taylor Swift. I watch as their anxiety flushes out of them. All unfamiliar with each-other but at the same time aware of who each are. Each one glances over at me, striving for an explanation, but only I knew this Thanksgiving mystery was only half way over. Yet again, the doorbell rings. This time a new emotion is revealed on each person's face, they seem to be amused with the mystery as they stood there casually waiting. In walks in, Reese Witherspoon and Lil Wayne, however this time I was feeling befuddled. I didn't understand why together they were arriving to my house. Everyone says their hellos. "Welcome everyone, come sit and let me introduce you to my family." All squirmed with impulse to eat as they saw a long wooden table covered inch by inch with assorted platters of foods, and place mats assigned with their names on them. "I'm sure you're wondering why all of you are brought to me on this Thanksgiving. Obviously you know you all took part in a contest challenging people to see who was your greatest fans. Here's when I expect all your mouths to drop, well I got every question about each one of you right, so the rules had to be changed and I was allowed to bring all of you home with me! However, here's the catch I was forbidden to tell you ahead of time so you all had to be surprised at my house. Are you surprised?" "Yes, very surprised!" 'But let's eat!' Cheered by Pink.

JACKIE

My toes walk in and out of dark shadowed sandy holes,
It leaves shivers running up and down my spine
I scrutinized the miniature footprints left behind by the black bird,
And how it sheds off its feathers ever step it strides
The slippery, soft feather rubs off a warm vibe as I held it closely in my hand
Leaves crunch noisily as I step upon them
The burning sense of enduring flames
Stays with me as I continue my walk
The crashing of waves leaves a taste of salt on the tip of my tongue,
I feel passionate about this scenery, I don’t ever want to leave

Please tell me I’m here,
I feel little floating around
Light has passed on,
I look out and darkness stares back at me
It’s gloomy, mind spinning.
Now are we here?
There seems to be complications, a speaker announces
Strident roars similar to fireworks
The ride isn’t so smooth; it’s carrying us through what seems to be a hurricane.
All these moments
I thought I was still floating safely,
This isn’t happening.

flower story continued

A new born child is innocent, using their five senses for the first time,Does not see what the world has to offer, but only sees what’s right in front of their eyes.They are speechless as they grow off their parent’s character and discipline,Inch by inch, pound by pound they develop more into a young boy or girl.They feel different emotions, they discover enemies and friends, they get introduced to the basic rules of life like what's the right and wrong way to behave and BAM..
Those little boys and girls aren't quite little anymore
As time passes along and those years have faded, they soon blossom into teenagers
Where they see a different side to the world they have never seen before
Where its in their hands to decide what kind of future they want for themselves,
and to divide their time wisely and responsibly between school, a social life, and possibly having a job.
Parents tend to ease off, from always watching over them to putting faith in them to make a good decision
This stage of life is a test of their maturity.
When that test is completed, its as if the world is rotating as you age and is now showing off a new part of the world,
The college life.
No body said it was easy, your alone but so is everybody else your surrounded by,
Its about taking chances, letting new people in while containing a strong steady mind.
Where people rip you apart to bits and pieces and as a nineteen year old you have the power to let it affect you or not,
It's your time to decide what kind of person you want to convey,
And somewhere in the mist of things, you do start to find yourself
And hopefully you walk out with a hunger to give it your all in life
It's time.
You know to get your head out of the clouds and make things happen.
Another side of the world faces your way,
you enter.
Its mother hood and marriage.
Your selfish ways are long gone, those kids come first,
Your their protection, their idol,
You trace the steps of your mother because your unfamiliar,
You feel warmth that your finally settling
Your not in lock down, you know its good to be in love
Your not ashamed of your mistakes, you watch your kids grow up,
And in your eyes, their ideal.
It’s now your turn to do all the seeking,
Your there to fall back on but right now your just doing all the observing,
How once your little boy or girl now has their own family,
What a pushover you are,
You know you’re a grandmother

A new born child is innocent, using their five senses for the first time,
Does not see what the world has to offer, but only sees what’s right in front of their eyes.
They are speechless as they grow off their parent’s character and discipline,
Inch by inch, pound by pound they develop more into a young boy or girl.
They feel different emotions, they discover enemies and friends, they get introduced to the basic rules of life like what's the right and wrong way to behave and BAM..

Those little boys and girls aren't quite little anymore

As time passes along and those years have faded, they soon blossom into teenagers

Where they see a different side to the world they have never seen before

Where its in their hands to decide what kind of future they want for themselves, 

and to divide their time wisely and responsibly between school, a social life, and possibly having a job. 

Parents tend to ease off, from always watching over them to putting faith in them to make a good decision

This stage of life is a test of their maturity. 

When that test is completed, its as if the world is rotating as you age and is now showing off a new part of the world, 

The college life.

No body said it was easy, your alone but so is everybody else your surrounded by,

Its about taking chances, letting new people in while containing a strong steady mind.

Where people rip you apart to bits and pieces and as a nineteen year old you have the power to let it affect you or not,

It's your time to decide what kind of person you want to convey,

And somewhere in the mist of things, you do start to find yourself

And hopefully you walk out with a hunger to give it your all in life

It's time.

You know to get your head out of the clouds and make things happen.

Another side of the world faces your way, you enter

Its mother hood and marriage.

Your selfish ways are long gone, those kids come first,

Your their protection, their idol, 

You trace the steps of your mother because your unfamiliar,

You feel warmth that your finally settling

Your not in lock down, you know its good to be in love

Your not ashamed of your mistakes, you watch your kids grow up

and see them have their own..

 

I grip firmly onto the handle bars, the tension increases between the wind and I, the rough waves create a bumpy ride, and I stare out but all I see is the open sea. I teared, my eye sight became blurry as I amplified the speed to feel more like I’m fulfilling my adventure. Suddenly the feeling of reality washed away as I just idealized everything around me. I thought many times I wouldn't mind putting faith in the waves, having them guide me through instead. 

Shortly after I realized I was alone, just me and the sea, I decided to head towards the shore. I was gliding full speed against the waves and I felt the Jet Ski dig deep into the sea. I shifted my handlebars to the right and i felt my body start to stumble and lose balance. Where my feet was placed had gotten too wet to grip onto, I only had control of my hands of the handle bars and even so I couldn't slow down the jet ski, my panics and feeling uneasy quickly distracted me. In a split second, there I was thrown off with the jet ski long gone, no life jacket, no one to reassure me everything is going to be okay, in fear of the harmful fishes or sharks swimming around me, and I squirm around as sea weed inches its way towards my body. I'm loosing my breathe, and I'm uncertain if I will recused. I yell out names, yell out screechy scream.  I felt a vibration rise from underneath and repeating waves crashing along the surface. Suddenly I see part of a sail boat heading in my direction, I wave my arms around the best i can. 

ahh still not done

I grip firmly onto the handle bars, the tension increases between the wind and I, the rough waves create a bumpy ride, and I stare out but all I see is the open sea. I teared, my eye sight became blurry as I amplified the speed to feel more like I’m fulfilling my adventure. Suddenly the feeling of reality washed away as I just idealized everything around me, I wanted the waves to guide me through. I realized I was alone, just me and the sea, I decided to head towards the shore. I was gliding full speed through the waves and I felt the Jet Ski dig deep into the sea. I shifted my body to the right,

nottt donee

Many months were used up to plan for it, there were of course her overwhelmed parents paying for all the expenses, her endless invitations to numerous towns and her calendar counting down the days till April 20th. Her name was Brooke and today was her day.

I grip firmly onto the handle bars, the tension increases between the wind and I, the rough waves create a bumpy ride, and I stare out but all I see is the open sea. I teared, I squinted as I amplified the speed to feel more like I’m fulfilling my adventure. Suddenly the feeling of reality washed away as I just idealized everything around me, I wanted the waves to guide me through but I was fearful.

Little kid poem

Christmas is a time for joy
All the little boys and girls
Jump for joy as they receive their toys

Ho Ho Ho
Its Santa can’t you see?
Now come sit on my knee
And tell me what you want this yearery!

Their shy and are so scaredyest
That Santa is actually here
They listen to the giggles of mommy and daddy
And are so glad it’s there turn to go on Santa’s lappie.

Santa rings its bells as he leaves, rides off in his sleigh to one stardom lane

Now more boys and girls will jump for joy and shout hooray!

I grip firmly onto the handle bars, the tension increases between the wind and I, the rough waves create a bumpy ride, and I stare out but all I see is the open ocean. I tea red, I squinted as I amplified the speed to feel more like I’m fulfilling my adventure. Suddenly the feeling of reality washed away as I just idealized everything around me, I wanted to let go of the handlebars and have the waves guide me through but I knew that wasn’t possible.

It was supposed to be chinese food.
Instead was shaped and yellow like a pineapple
Golden brown slime was the noodles
There was a mush of multi colored rice
Oddly shaped lobster tails
Squeshy chicken nuggets represented something chinese
Random green pees, thick carrots and un familar vegetables
Were scattered along my plate
"Here you go",the greasy large chinese man served me.

BASJD

The king of the animals

the seeker of them all, the protecter

boney, long legs, bold wide eyes, stretched neck

seen from miles away, pattered beautifully with spotted golden brown skin

glides through the forests

It's a blackout 

you feel your eyes are hammered shut

your completely still, speechless 

your over thinking, you start to imagine bad thoughts

your home alone, disconnected from the world

phones, TV's, computers are shut off

10 minutes go by, an hr, you haven't moved

the lights flicker on

you feel relieved, you apperaciate the light  

Text message from James. It was late but I couldn’t stop staring at the three words, Hey what’s up? It was odd to me; I wondered how he got my number and questioned what his thoughts were behind the text message. I heard about him, my friends weren't too fond of him, honestly I don't know how his name was in my contacts because we never spoke to each other. I couldn’t not answer, so I casually replied, hey not much you?

James and I, in my mind, were only heading towards good things. After the many text messages back and forth, he asked what I was doing tonight and if we could possibly meet up. I felt nervous but still willing to get to know him better. Even though I knew we were just friends, I’m not foolish and I know I won’t be part of his mind games that I heard he plays on girls. He speaks from his penis, not from his heart, excessively said by my mom. I’ve recently been cautious, maybe even overly cautious however no way was I going to be played. I thought to myself I need relax; maybe this one will be different.

Ring! Ring! James is calling, I answered,

“Hey!” He replied, “What’s up, Brooke baby”, as you see he has a sense of humor that I happened to enjoy listening to. He continued, “I wanted to see if you wanted to come to one of my friend’s parties.”

I smiled and spoke with a curious tone of voice,

“Yeah I’ll go, but what time and can I bring a friend with me?”

He responds in such a boy way,

“Only if she’s cute babe.” I respond in such a girl way,

“Sounds good babe.”

Secretly knowing I’m just making fun of him. I knew just the person to bring: my friend Emma. She was one of my best friends. When I looked back over my weekends, she was always there with me building the most memorable times. I called her and filled her in with every possible detail I could. She wasn't too excited. Like I said she wasn't too fond of him, but she agreed to come for me. She also agreed to be at my house in a little while, so we can get all dolled up together. I decided on a black turtleneck dress with red flowers designed beautifully along the dress and I felt wearing black leggings made me feel more comfortable. Emma’s outfit was quite the opposite, baggy ripped jeans, and a white low cut t-shirt. I’d say by the time we were finished and ready to go, there was a glow to us, a shine that reminded me of a rainbow. Together we felt so alive but also felt shy, after all we were about to hang out with people we really didn't know.

There he was, waiting outside. I felt sneaky, knowing this was supposed to be a mom, I mean that’s what I told my mom. I thought about how us meeting face to face was going to be like. As Emma and I were walking down a hill and as I lifted my head up to wave, he gave me a wink. From there on I knew how the night was going to be. The car door flings open; James is seated in the middle back seat and obnoxiously says,

“Hello, sexy ladies.”

“Hey”

“Ha-ha, James, moves over!” I laughed nervously.

“Nah, I want to sit next to you two!” Right away the conversation shifts to him telling us the party was cancelled.

I mouthed to Emma, “I knew it was too good to be true.” I looked directly at James and asked, “What are we going to do now?” No response. I was completely ignored and as if getting ignored wasn’t bad enough, the guy in the front seat was gradually making the music louder.

“Oh yeah, sweet” I said irritated. James put his hand on my knee, and continued to use his smooth talk,

“Babe, relax, we’ll have fun”. He pulled beers from the truck and passed them around. There wasn’t much to the night, we drank and drove around. Emma is my witness, poor James he seemed very frustrated, he was thinking he was going to sneak a kiss in sometime throughout the night, he was wrong. Emma and I winked at each other and said our goodbye’s to the boys. It was late and I couldn’t stop laughing at the way James was acting, he also hasn’t stopped texting me and I haven’t stopped answering him.

The sun was shining through my curtains, I felt fresh and I had a good feeling about today. By the way today is Sunday and I thought why not just give James a chance, I mean he is entertaining me. I went to James in my phone and pushed the send button. I put no thought into it, I thought I’d just wing it and see what happens just like the attitude a card player sometimes has in a game. Not a surprise, he invites me over I feel daring I say yes I’ll be right over. Everything was moving along quite quickly, I just laughed at the whole process, thinking I'll just play this kid it's want he deserves. He shocked me in so many ways, when I arrived he introduced me to his parents, he asked me what I would like to do. I saw a video game paused on his T.V screen and said,

“We might as well play!” He laughs. I said why don't we switch things up a little? James makes a “huh” face and shockingly asked if I want some wine. I couldn’t breathe the thought of drinking wine while playing video games made my eyes tear. Like I said before, I was feeling daring. We sipped and played our fingers off. Once we viciously killed all the monsters, the vibe of just being his best buddy soon faded into something different as we laid on his bed, looking into each other’s eyes and asking each other what’s our deepest darkest secrets. I felt trust and he couldn’t stop making me laugh but not for one second did I show him I was beginning to feel something. Little messages kept appearing in my mind just be smart! I felt weak, a rush of timidness scattered throughout my body which suddenly controlled my eyes to shift away from his. My thoughts of our lips pressed against each other became more real every second. His signs of wanted to kiss me only grew stronger and stronger. I was confusing myself, I wanted to have fun but I didn’t want to get hurt but I couldn’t possibly get hurt because I just met him. I quickly changed the subject; I said proudly

“We need to shave your face!” I let him know his face was looking not so attractive. I dragged him into the bathroom, sat him on the toilet and shaved him with a big smile on my face. I couldn’t stop laughing,

“You look handsome!”

“As long as it makes you happy”, he says. It was 8 o’clock and I had plans to go out with my girls at 9, I thought James wouldn’t have a problem walking me home. How can I forget, its James he’s going to ask for a favor in return. What would you like? Pretending to be all ticked off, I want a kiss he says. I played funny little games with him; well at least I thought they were funny. I would go in for the kiss and then pull away when I saw him lean closer. I finally just gave him a simply kiss, I thought I would feel relived that the tension has disappeared however that wasn't the case. I wanted to kiss him more, I really was falling for him. He walked me home.

Days went by; my feelings for James were really starting to show.

Dear diary,

The words, I have feelings for you were not yet said to James because truthfully I wasn't ready to say them but I'm hoping James got the clue. I just didn't feel there was enough trust yet, it amazes me how long it's taking me to have trust in him. It doesn’t seem to be amazing anyone around me, my friends strongly believe I shouldn't trust him, they overly keep reminding me to be careful with him. It makes me upset that my friends don't approve of James but I know they are just looking out for me. I'll keep you updated.

Today is the day James will meet my mom. My mom invited James to eat dinner over, surprisingly dinner was not awkward. Just as any mom would do, she just didn't stop asking him questions. I brought home other boys, however this one felt different. Each day I was beginning to find more and more things I truly adored about James. As I felt more comfortable around him, the more I let go and soon our connection grew deeper and stronger. The warm, safe feeling his arm gave me as it was wrapped around my body was priceless, I just couldn't stop kissing him. We laid side by side watching movies all night, I felt like everything was finally feeling right.

James phone broke, he gave me a list of his friend’s numbers and his house number where I could call. I felt weird calling both, so I didn’t. Days passed by, no phone call from him either. My head was spinning with worried thoughts, I was beginning to feel lonely but I stayed positive, maybe he had an excuse, I said to myself over and over again. The next morning I didn't hesitate, I couldn't bare waiting around feeling hopeless, I called his house. He picked up casually like nothing was different. He rambles on how hockey started, rumors spread and his ex- girlfriend Jessica found out about our relationship. Sadly that was only the beginning to when everything went down hill.

I feel I'm stuck in a cloud of all my thoughts and feelings, everything seemed to be blurry, until I felt drops of rain lightly roll down my face. It didn't faze me, I just kept walking. More rain kept pouring down, confusedly the rain started to cure my pain and yet managed to make me feel alive again. My phone begins to vibrate in my pocket, it was an unfamiliar number. I pick it up hoping it was someone who I can vent to, after all I could use a friend. It was the last person I needed to talk to, it was Jessica. “Hey slut” Jessica shrieked into the phone. “Why are you calling me?” I spoke in such an emotionless tone. “Because I can and you’re with my ex-boyfriend, I don’t know who you think you are, he doesn’t even like you. He still loves me.”For a brief minute I tried to calm down and breath but quickly after my feelings just came roaring out, “This is none of your business, I honestly I don’t care what you say. I know what he feels and he definitely does not have feelings for you like you said he’s your ex-boyfriend!”“I’m just warning you, you stay with him and you'll regret it.” She laughs and hangs up the phone.Wonderful. Jessica has a history of turning people against the person she despises at the moment, that’s the least of my worries I don’t want to run into her anywhere and have her do something irrational to me. I knew something had to be done! Even though James and I were not having the best of times, I needed to fill him in on all the drama and threats Jessica just dropped on me. I sat there venting to him, my words were getting all choked up, my eyes began to water and I was beginning to lose hope. "Why is she so crazy?" My voice gradually showed more pain and anger each time I said it. He interrupted me, “She’s all talk, I’m here for you and I like you.” His voice sounded so sincere, it was what I needed to hear.

Ever since then:

Gossip, rumors, gossip, rumors!

1) James and Jessica hung out recently and couldn’t keep their hands off of each other.

2) James is just using me and everything he says is a lie.

3) James just puts on an act but really still loves Jessica.

4) Many junior girls hate me.

5) James says I'm too immature to have a relationship, in his words he says, “Me and Brooke it’s all just a joke."

James is a hypocrite! He is never there for me, again he hasn't called and has been ignoring my phone calls. James true colors were bursting out more each day; I felt scared. These rumors that I once laughed at thinking they were all lies were becoming real. You know what hurts the most? How when James would call, he would never admit he's wrong and every time I could picture him speaking with a smirk on his face. He gives me these short answers, "No, none of the rumors are true." He's crumbling me into pieces; he's betraying and embarrassing me more as time passes. I'd get defensive, doubt him, fight with him, shout at him, and threaten we were over many times but his words always win. "Brooke I need to come over tomorrow and talk about things, I want to make this work". He stood me up, there was no James. I felt at that point nothing he would do or say would change my mind, I was done with him. He ignored my warnings but most importantly he ignored my feelings. I was appalled of how heartless he was. Unlike his heart, my heart beat felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it hatefully. I knew I just had to completely erase him from my life. I thought I'd go have a really fun time with my girls until I got an unexpected phone call.

No one spoke, just sounds of heavily breathing, moans and groans. She speaks, "That felt so good, James." And hung up. I panic, I cry out, "I'm sickened I just want this all to end!" My phone rings again, I press ignore. I'm struggling to stay strong as I see I received a new voicemail. I paced back and forth listening to the voicemail. I was in a nightmare that was never ending. The message was short and vile; James slurred his words "I'm in love with Jessica, bye Brooke".

I was boiling with anger but mostly my face told it all, I was disgusted. Maybe I would regret carrying on the drama but I was too strong of a person for people to walk all over me like that. I scream into the phone at Jessica, "I'm coming over!" My real intentions were to slap James and to call James out on being such a backstabbing person, I honestly didn't care one bit about Jessica. Hearing all James lies unfold took a lot out of me, now I was prepared to see it all unravel with my eyes. There he was, lying in Jessica's bed. As he sees me standing there, all he can say is,

"Can you guys take this upstairs? This has nothing to do with me." I felt I was a bomb just ready to explode. I felt powerful and so past trying to impress anyone, I was being me. I mimicked all his words out loud so Jessica could hear, I like you Brooke and I really want to make things work. I was spilling my heart out when suddenly Jessica creeps up in front of me and unexpectedly she slaps me in the face. I was so caught off guard, but I had respect for myself, no way was I going to sink down to her level and hit her back, even though I know that's what she deserves. I walked right out of her house and didn't look back.

Dear diary,

No one will understand the pain I went through but truthfully I am walking out of this situation as a better person. I can't help what I feel but James has made it harder for me to trust boys. All the drama better end today, because knowing Jessica she will continue it some how. On a positive note, I walked out of his life and I couldn't be happier. I'll keep you updated.

Brooke

new story

Text message from James. It was late but I couldn’t stop staring at the three words, Hey what’s up? It was odd to me; I wondered how he got my number and questioned what his thoughts were behind the text message. I heard about him, my friends weren't too fond of him, honestly I don't know how his name was in my contacts because we never spoke to each other. I couldn’t not answer, so I casually replied, hey not much you?
James and I, in my mind, were only heading towards good things. After the many text messages back and forth, he asked what I was doing tonight and if we could possibly meet up. I felt nervous but still willing to get to know him better. Even though I knew we were just friends, I’m not foolish and I know I won’t be part of his mind games that I heard he plays on girls. He speaks from his penis, not from his heart, excessively said by my mom. I’ve recently been cautious, maybe even overly cautious however no way was I going to be played. I thought to myself I need relax; maybe this one will be different.
Ring! Ring! James is calling, I answered,
“Hey!” He replied, “What’s up, Brooke baby”, as you see he has a sense of humor that I happened to enjoy listening to. He continued, “I wanted to see if you wanted to come to one of my friend’s parties.”
I smiled and spoke with a curious tone of voice,
“Yeah I’ll go, but what time and can I bring a friend with me?”
He responds in such a boy way,
“Only if she’s cute babe.” I respond in such a girl way,
“Sounds good babe.”
Secretly knowing I’m just making fun of him. I knew just the person to bring: my friend Emma. She was one of my best friends. When I looked back over my weekends, she was always there with me building the most memorable times. I called her and filled her in with every possible detail I could. She wasn't too excited. Like I said she wasn't too fond of him, but she agreed to come for me. She also agreed to be at my house in a little while, so we can get all dolled up together. I decided on a black turtleneck dress with red flowers designed beautifully along the dress and I felt wearing black leggings made me feel more comfortable. Emma’s outfit was quite the opposite, baggy ripped jeans, and a white low cut t-shirt. I’d say by the time we were finished and ready to go, there was a glow to us, a shine that reminded me of a rainbow. Together we felt so alive but also felt shy, after all we were about to hang out with people we really didn't know.
There he was, waiting outside. I felt sneaky, knowing this was supposed to be a mom, I mean that’s what I told my mom. I thought about how us meeting face to face was going to be like. As Emma and I were walking down a hill and as I lifted my head up to wave, he gave me a wink. From there on I knew how the night was going to be. The car door flings open; James is seated in the middle back seat and obnoxiously says,
“Hello, sexy ladies.”
“Hey”
“Ha-ha, James, moves over!” I laughed nervously.
“Nah, I want to sit next to you two!” Right away the conversation shifts to him telling us the party was cancelled.
I mouthed to Emma, “I knew it was too good to be true.” I looked directly at James and asked, “What are we going to do now?” No response. I was completely ignored and as if getting ignored wasn’t bad enough, the guy in the front seat was gradually making the music louder.
“Oh yeah, sweet” I said irritated. James put his hand on my knee, and continued to use his smooth talk,
“Babe, relax, we’ll have fun”. He pulled beers from the truck and passed them around. There wasn’t much to the night, we drank and drove around. Emma is my witness, poor James he seemed very frustrated, he was thinking he was going to sneak a kiss in sometime throughout the night, he was wrong. Emma and I winked at each other and said our goodbye’s to the boys. It was late and I couldn’t stop laughing at the way James was acting, he also hasn’t stopped texting me and I haven’t stopped answering him.
The sun was shining through my curtains, I felt fresh and I had a good feeling about today. By the way today is Sunday and I thought why not just give James a chance, I mean he is entertaining me. I went to James in my phone and pushed the send button. I put no thought into it, I thought I’d just wing it and see what happens just like the attitude a card player sometimes has in a game. Not a surprise, he invites me over I feel daring I say yes I’ll be right over. Everything was moving along quite quickly, I just laughed at the whole process, thinking I'll just play this kid it's want he deserves. He shocked me in so many ways, when I arrived he introduced me to his parents, he asked me what I would like to do. I saw a video game paused on his T.V screen and said,
“We might as well play!” He laughs. I said why don't we switch things up a little? James makes a “huh” face and shockingly asked if I want some wine. I couldn’t breathe the thought of drinking wine while playing video games made my eyes tear. Like I said before, I was feeling daring. We sipped and played our fingers off. Once we viciously killed all the monsters, the vibe of just being his best buddy soon faded into something different as we laid on his bed, looking into each other’s eyes and asking each other what’s our deepest darkest secrets. I felt trust and he couldn’t stop making me laugh but not for one second did I show him I was beginning to feel something. Little messages kept appearing in my mind just be smart! I felt weak, a rush of timid ness scattered throughout my body which suddenly controlled my eyes to shift away from his. My thoughts of our lips pressed against each other became more real every second. His signs of wanted to kiss me only grew stronger and stronger. I was confusing myself, I wanted to have fun but I didn’t want to get hurt but I couldn’t possibly get hurt because I just met him. I quickly changed the subject; I said proudly
“We need to shave your face!” I let him know his face was looking not so attractive. I dragged him into the bathroom, sat him on the toilet and shaved him with a big smile on my face. I couldn’t stop laughing,
“You look handsome!”
“As long as it makes you happy”, he says. It was 8 o’clock and I had plans to go out with my girls at 9, I thought James wouldn’t have a problem walking me home. How can I forget, its James he’s going to ask for a favor in return. What would you like? Pretending to be all ticked off, I want a kiss he says. I played funny little games with him; well at least I thought they were funny. I would go in for the kiss and then pull away when I saw him lean closer. I finally just gave him a simply kiss, I thought I would feel relived that the tension has disappeared however that wasn't the case. I wanted to kiss him more, I really was falling for him. He walked me home.
Days went by; my feelings for James were really starting to show.
Dear diary,
The words, I have feelings for you were not yet said to James because truthfully I wasn't ready to say them but I'm hoping James got the clue. I just didn't feel there was enough trust yet, it amazes me how long it's taking me to have trust in him. It doesn’t seem to be amazing anyone around me, my friends strongly believe I shouldn't trust him, they overly keep reminding me to be careful with him. It makes me upset that my friends don't approve of James but I know they are just looking out for me. I'll keep you updated.
Today is the day James will meet my mom. My mom invited James to eat dinner over, surprisingly dinner was not awkward. Just as any mom would do, she just didn't stop asking him questions. I brought home other boys, however this one felt different. Each day I was beginning to find more and more things I truly adored about James. As I felt more comfortable around him, the more I let go and soon our connection grew deeper and stronger. The warm, safe feeling his arm gave me as it was wrapped around my body was priceless, I just couldn't stop kissing him. We laid side by side watching movies all night, I felt like everything was finally feeling right.
James phone broke, he gave me a list of his friend’s numbers and his house number where I could call. I felt weird calling both, so I didn’t. Days passed by, no phone call from him either. My head was spinning with worried thoughts, I was beginning to feel lonely but I stayed positive, maybe he had an excuse, I said to myself over and over again. The next morning I didn't hesitate, I couldn't bare waiting around feeling hopeless, I called his house. He picked up casually like nothing was different. He rambles on how hockey started, rumors spread and Jessica found out about our relationship. Sadly that was only the beginning to when everything went down hill.
I feel I'm stuck in a cloud of all my thoughts and feelings, everything seemed to be blurry, until I felt drops of rain lightly roll down my face. It didn't faze me, I just kept walking. More rain kept pouring down, confusedly the rain started to cure my pain and yet managed to make me feel alive again. My phone begins to vibrate in my pocket, it was an unfamiliar number. I pick it up hoping it was someone who I can vent to, after all I could use a friend. It was the last person I needed to talk to, it was Jessica. “Hey slut” Jessica shrieked into the phone. “Why are you calling me?” I spoke in such an emotionless tone. “Because I can and you’re with my ex-boyfriend, I don’t know who you think you are, he doesn’t even like you and by the way he still loves me.”For a brief minute I tried to calm down and breath but quickly after my feelings just came roaring out, “This is none of your business, I honestly I don’t care what you say. I know what he feels and he definitely does not have feelings for you like you said he’s your ex-boyfriend!”“I’m just warning you, you stay with him and you will go through so much trouble.” She laughs and hangs up the phone.Wonderful! Jessica has a history of turning people against the person she despises at the moment, that’s the least of my worries I don’t want to run into her anywhere and have her do something irrational to me. I knew something had to be done! Even though James and I were not having the best of times, I needed to fill him in on all the drama and threats Jessica just dropped on me. I sat there venting to him, my words were getting all choked up, my eyes began to water and I was beginning to loose hope. Why is she so crazy? My voice gradually showed more pain and anger each time I said it. He interrupted me, “She’s all talk, I’m here for you and I like you.” His voice sounded so sincere, it was what I needed to hear.Gossip, rumors, gossip, rumors!1) James and Jessica hung out recently and couldn’t keep their hands off of each other.2) James is just using me and everything he says is a lie.3) James just puts on an act but really still loves Jessica.
4) Many junior girls hate me.
5) James says I'm too immature to have a relationship, in his words he says, “Me and Brooke it’s all just a joke."
James is a hypocrite! He is never there for me, again he hasn't called and has been ignoring my phone calls. James true colors were bursting out more each day, I felt scared. These rumors that I once laughed out thinking they were all lies were becoming real. You know what hurts the most? How James would call occasionally and every time would speak with a smirk on his face and not think he's doing anything wrong. He gives me these short answers, "No, none of the rumors is true." He's crumbling me into pieces; he's betraying and embarrassing me more as time passes. I'd get defensive, doubt him, fight with him, shout at him, and threaten we were over many times but his words always win. "Brooke I need to come over tomorrow and talk about things, I want to make this work". He stood me up, there was no James. I felt at that point nothing he would do or say would change my mind, I was done with him. He ignored my warnings but most importantly he ignored my feelings. I was appalled of how heartless he was. Unlike his heart, my heart beat felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it hatefully. I knew I just had to completely erase him from my life. I thought I'd go have a really fun time with my girls until I got an unexpected phone call.
No one spoke, just sounds of heavily breathing, moans and groans. She speaks, "That felt so good, James." And hung up. I panic, I cry out, "I'm sickened I just want this all to end!" My phone rings again, I press ignore. I'm struggling to stay strong as I see I received a new voicemail. I paced back and forth listening to the voicemail. I was in a nightmare that was never ending. The message was short and vile; James slurred his words "I'm in love with Jessica, bye Brooke".
I was boiling with anger but mostly my face told it all, I was disgusted. Maybe I would regret carrying on the drama but I was too strong of a person for people to walk all over me like that. I scream into the phone at Jessica, "I'm coming over!" My real intentions were to slap James and to call James out on being such a backstabbing person, I honestly didn't care one bit about Jessica. Hearing all James lies unfold took a lot out of me, now I was prepared to see it all unravel with my eyes. There he was, lying in Jessica's bed. As he sees me standing there, all he can say is,
"Can you guys take this upstairs? This has nothing to do with me." I felt I was a bomb just ready to explode. I felt powerful and so past trying to impress anyone, I was being me. I mimicked all his words out loud so Jessica could hear, I like you Brooke and I really want to make things work. I was spilling my heart out when suddenly Jessica creeps up in front of me and unexpectedly she slaps me in the face. I was so caught off guard, but I had respect for myself, no way was I going to sink down to her level and hit her back, even though I know that's what she deserves. I walked right out of her house and didn't look back.
Dear diary,
No one will understand the pain I went through but truthfully I am walking out of this situation as a better person. I can't help what I feel but James has made it harder for me to trust boys. All the drama better end today, because knowing Jessica she will continue it some how. On a positive note, I walked out of his life and I couldn't be happier. I'll keep you updated.
Brooke

Pointy jagged teeth
Which showed when its lips were compressed viciously against my skin, sucking the life out of me.
She enters, blood dripping from her mouth
Opposite from sophiscated
she is rebellious, scandalous and conceals nothing
has one ambition, one chance, she succeeds, she kills.

Teeth may be straight and glow with it’s whinderits on one person,
Ehhever also can be nasty eelo on another. Everyone’s different.
I thought I always had helfee teeth but lately thamo been faliciming out
As if I’m a seven year old shompy again
I envied my ooye teeth, and I’m ashamed to say I don’t feel the sameyz
I go to the docpoo and froonish him to fix them
His coocoo self, warns it may take a lot of moola and time
I deserve to look at my self the sameyz way I used to, I deliberated.

My teeth were fixed.

made up words

Teeth may be straight and glow with it’s whinderits on one person,
Ehhever also can be nasty eelo on another. Everyone’s different.
I thought I always had helfee teeth but lately thamo been faliciming out
As if I’m a seven year old shompy again
I envied my ooye teeth, and I’m ashamed to say I don’t feel the sameyz
I go to the docpoo and froonish him to fix them
His coocoo self, warns it may take a lot of moola and time
I deserve to look at my self the sameyz way I used to, I deliberated.

Screech Ouch

Screech! Ouch!

Needles being asserted into my arms

Doctor warns its only helping your health 

I close my eyes, tightly squeeze my fists, hold my breathe

At that moment I couldn't possibly feel any smaller

Go on,  i ordered him, as I impatiently waited 

Your done you did it, you can open your eyes

I shockingly shake off all my anxiousness and surprisingly smile.

Kismet

We were strangers

minutes later became acquaintances

hours later great friends

a day later lovers

who were we fooling

we were meant for each other

Megalomaniac
Its $5,000
I want it! I need it!
The world’s finest jewel, bag, perfume
Whoever produced it they made it for me
i decorate myself with only one of a kinds

I keep no secrets
Life is about money

not donee, poems

Megalomaniac
Vertigo
Kismet


Vertigo
Stuck in a fishbowl.
It’s foggy, too blurry to see out
I’m alone, no water, no surroundings
I stare up at the open hole, breathing in the outside world’s air
I lay on my back, I feel safe and protected inside
I just don’t know

Megalomaniac
Its $5,000
I want it! I need it!
The world’s finest jewel, bag, perfume
Whoever produced it they made it for me
I keep no secrets I have no fears
Life is about money and that’s how it’s going to be

parts of speech poem

Fast rollercoaster
curvy tracks
overwhelmingly rushes
curiously dares
and frightened girl
shakingly
speaks
help!

summer poem, not finished

Today I feel I am trapped on a desert, I feel parched.
But then a light breeze comes my way, and i feel relaxed.
I leave my towel behind and canonball into the cyrstal blue water.
That is when i know it's summertime.

short poem

A hue of a golden yellow and an oval shaped base holding two glassy flowers.

Text message from James. It was late but I couldn’t stop staring at the 3 words, Hey what’s up? It was odd to me; I wondered how he got my number and questioned what his thoughts were behind the text message. I heard about him, my friends weren't too fond of him, honestly i don't know how his name was in my contacts because we never spoke to each other. I couldn’t not answer, so I casually replied “hey not much you?”

Since then our relationship grew, just as a rocket ship takes off and shoots up to the sky, James and I in my mind were only heading towards good things. After the many text messages back and forth, he asked what I was doing tonight and if we could possibly meet up. I felt nervous but still willing to get to know him better. Even though I knew we were just friends, I’m not foolish and I know I won’t be part of his mind games that i heard he plays on girls. He speaks from his penis, not from his heart, overly said by my mom. I’ve recently been cautious, maybe even overly cautious however no way was I going to to be played. I thought to myself I need relax; maybe this one will be different.

Ring! Ring! James is calling, I answered, 

“Hey!”He replied, “What’s up Brooke baby”, as you see he has a sense of humor that I happened to enjoy listening to.He continued, “I wanted to see if you wanted to come to one of my friend’s parties.I smiled and spoke with a curious tone of voice, 

“Yeah I’ll go, but what time and can I bring a friend with me?He responds in such a boy way, 

“Only if she’s cute babe.I respond in such a girl way, 

“Sounds good babe.” Secretly knowing I’m just making fun of him.I knew just the person to bring my friend Emma. She was one of my best friends. When I looked back over my weekends, she was always there with me creating the most memorable times. I called her and filled her in with every possible detail I could share with her. She wasn't too excited, like i said she wasn't too fond of him but she agreed to come for me. She also agreed to be at my house in a little while, so we can get all dolled up together. I decided on a black turtleneck dress with red flowers designed beautifully along the dress and I felt wearing black leggings made me feel more comfortable. Emma’s outfit was quite the opposite, baggy ripped jeans, and a white low cut t-shirt. I’d say by the time we were finished and ready to go, there was a glow to us, a shine that reminded me of a rainbow. Together we felt so alive but also felt shy, after all we were about to hangout with people we really didn't know.

There he was, waiting outside. I felt sneaky, knowing this was supposed to be a mom, I mean that’s what I told my mom. I thought about how us meeting face to face was going to be like. As Emma and I were walking down a hill and as I lifted my head up to wave, he gave me a wink. From there on I knew how the night was going to be. The car door flings open; James is seated in the middle back seat and obnoxiously says,

“Hello, sexy ladies”

“Hey” we go

“Haha James move over!” I laughed nervously.

“Nah, I want to sit next to you two!” Right away the conversation shifts to Emma and I being told the party is cancelled. I mouthed to Emma, I knew it was too good to be true. I looked directly at James and asked

“What are we going to do now?” No response. I was completely ignored and as if getting ignored wasn’t bad enough, the guy in the front seat was gradually making the music louder.

“Oh yeah, sweet” I said irritated. James puts his hand on my knee, and continues to use his smooth talk, 

“Babe relax, we’ll have fun”. He pulls beers from the truck and passes them around. There wasn’t much to the night, we drank and drove around. Emma is my witness, poor James he seemed very frustrated, he was thinking he was going to sneak a kiss in sometime throughout the night, he was wrong. Emma and I winked at each other and said our goodbye’s to the boys.It was late and I couldn’t stop laughing at James behavior, he also hasn’t stopped texting me and I haven’t stopped answering him. 

The sun was shining through my curtains, i felt fresh and i had a good feeling about today. By the way today is Sunday and I thought why not just give James a chance, i mean he is entertaining me. I went to James in my contents and pushed the send button. I put no thought into it, id thought ill just wing it and see what happens just like the attitude a card player sometimes has in a game. Not a surprise, he invites me over I feel daring I say yes ill be right over. Everything was moving along quite quickly, I just laughed at the whole process, thinking I'll just play this kid it's want he deserves. He shocked me in so many ways, when I arrived he introduced me to his parents, he asked me what I would like to do. I saw a video game paused on his T.V screen and said, 

“We might as well play!” He laughs. I said why don't we switch things up a little? James makes a “huh” face and shockingly asked if I want some wine. I couldn’t breathe the thought of drinking wine while playing video games made my eyes tear. Like I said before, I was feeling daring. We sipped and played our fingers off. Once we viciously killed all the monsters, the vibe of just being his best buddy soon faded into something different as we laid on his bed, looking into each other’s eyes and asking each other what’s our deepest darkest secrets. I felt trust and he couldn’t stop making me laugh but not for one second did I show him I was beginning to feel something. Little messages kept appearing in my mind, just be smart! I felt weak, a rush of timid ness scattered throughout my body which suddenly controlled my eyes to shift away from his. My thoughts of our lips pressed against each other became more real every second. His signs of wanted to kiss me only grew stronger and stronger. I was confusing myself, I wanted to have fun but I didn’t want to get hurt but I couldn’t possibly get hurt because I just met him. I quickly changed the subject; I said proudly 

“We need to shave your face!” I let him know his face was looking not so attractive. I dragged him into the bathroom, sat him on the toilet and shaved him with a big smile on my face. I couldn’t stop laughing, 

“You look handsome!”

“As long as it makes you happy”, he says. It was 8 o’clock and I had plans to go out with my girls at 9, I thought James wouldn’t have a problem walking me home. How can I forget, it’s James he’s going to ask for a favor in return. What would you like? Pretending to be all ticked off, I want a kiss he says. I played funny little games with him, well at least i thought they were funny. I would go in for the kiss and then pull away when I saw him lean closer. I finally just gave him a simply kiss, i thought i would feel relived that the tension has disappeared however that wasn't the case. I wanted to kiss him more, I really was falling for him. He walked me home.

Days went by, my feelings for James were really starting to show.

Dear diary,

The words, I have feelings for you were not yet said to James because truthfully i wasn't ready to say them but I'm hoping James got the clue. I just didn't feel there was enough trust yet, it amazes me how long it's taking me to have trust in him. It dosen't seem to be amazing anyone around me, my friends strongly believe i shouldn't trust him, they overly keep reminding me to be careful with him. It makes me upset that my friends don't approve of James but I know they are just looking out for me. I'll keep you updated.

Today is the day James will meet my mom. My mom invited James to eat dinner over, surprisingly dinner was not awkward. Just as any mom would do, she just didn't stop asking him questions. I brought home other boys, however this one felt different. Each day I was beginning to find more and more things I truly adored about James. As I felt more comfortable around him, the more I let go and soon our connection grew deeper and stronger. The warm, safe feeling his arm gave me as it was wrapped around my body was priceless, I just couldn't stop kissing him. We laid side by side watching movies all night, I felt like everything was finally feeling right.

James phone broke, he gave me a list of his friends numbers and his house number where i could call. I felt werid calling both, so i didnt. Days passed by, no phone call from him either. My head was spinning with worried thoughts, i was beginning to feel lonely but i stayed positive, maybe he had an excuse, i said to myself over and over again. The next morning i didn't hestitate, i couldn't bare waiting around feeling hopeless, i called his house. He picked up casually like nothing was different. He rambles on how hockey started, rumors spread and Jessica found out about our relationship. Sadly that was only the beginning to when everything went down hill.

I feel I'm stuck in a cloud of all my thoughts and feelings, everything seemed to be blurry, until i felt drops of rain lightly roll down my face. It didn't phase me, i just kept walking. More rain kept pouring down, confusedly the rain started to cure my pain and yet managed to make me feel alive again. My phone begins to vibrate in my pocket, it was an unfamiliar number. I pick it up hoping it was someone who I can vent to, after all I could use a friend. It was the last person i needed to talk to, it was Jessica.
“Hey slut” Jessica shrieked into the phone.
“Why are you calling me?” I spoke in such an emotionless tone.
“Because I can and you’re with my ex-boyfriend, I don’t know who you think you are, he doesn’t even like you and by the way he still loves me”
For a brief minute I tried to calm down and breath but quickly after my feelings just came roaring out, “This is none of your business, I honestly I don’t care what you say. I know what he feels and he definitely does not have feelings for you like you said he’s your ex-boyfriend!”
I’m just warning you, you stay with him and you will go through so much trouble.” She laughs and hangs up the phone.
Wonderful! Jessica has a history of turning people against the person she despises at the moment, that’s the least of my worries I don’t want to run into her anywhere and have her do something irrational to me. I knew something had to be done! Even though James and I were not having the best of times, I needed to fill him in on all the drama and threats Jessica just dropped on me. I sat there venting to him, my words were getting all choked up, my eyes began to water and I was beginning to loose hope. Why is she so crazy? My voice gradually showed more pain and anger each time I said it. He interrupted me, “She’s all talk, I’m here for you and I like you.” His voice sounded so sincere, it was what I needed to hear.
Gossip, rumors, gossip, rumors!
1) James and Jessica hung out recently and couldn’t keep their hands off of each other.
2) James is just using me and everything he says is a lie.
3) James just puts on an act but really still loves Jessica.

4)Many junior girls hate me. 

5)James says I'm too immature to have a relationship, in his words he says,Me and Brooke its all just a joke." 

James is a hipocrate!He isn't here for me, he again hasn't called and has been ignoring my phone calls. James true colors were bursting out more each day,I felt scared. These rumors that I once laughed out thinking they were all lies were becoming real. You know what hurts the most? How James would call occasionally and every time would speak with a smirk on his face and not think he's doing anything wrong. He gives me these short answers, "No none of the rumors is true." He's crumbling me into pieces, he's betraying and embarassing me more as time passes. I'd get defensive, doubt him, fight with him, shout at him, say what we had was over a million times but his words always win. "Brooke i need to come over tomorrow and talk about things, I want to make this work". He stood me up, there was no James. I felt at that point nothing he would do or say would change my mind, I was done with him. He ignored my warnings but most importantly he ignored my feelings. I was disgusted of how heartless he was. Unlike his heart, my heart beat felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it hatefully. I knew i just had to completely erase him from my life. I thought I'd go have a really fun time with my girls until i got a unexpected phone call..

No one spoke, just sounds of heavily breathing, moans and groans. She speaks, "That felt so good, James." And hung up. I panic, I cry out, "I'm disgusted i just want this all to end!" My phone rings again, i press ignore. I'm struggling to stay strong as I see I received a new voicemail. I paced back and forth listening to the voicemail. I was in a nightmare that was never ending. The message was short and hateful, James slurred his words "I'm in love with Jessica, bye Brooke". 

I was boiling with anger but mostly my face told it all, i was disgusted. Maybe I would regret carrying on the drama but I was too strong of a person for people to walk all over me like that. I scream into the phone at Jessica, "I'm coming over!" My real intentions were to slap James and to call James out on being such a backstabbing person, I honestly didn't care one bit about Jessica. Hearing all James lies unfold took a lot out of me,I was prepared to see it all unravel with my eyes. There he was, laying in Jessica's bed. As he sees me standing there, all he can say is, 

"Can you guys take this upstairs? This has nothing to do with me." I felt I was a bomb just ready to explode. I felt powerful and so past trying to impress anyone, i was being me. I mimicked all his words out loud so Jessica could hear,I like you brooke and I really want to make things work. I was spilling my heart out when suddenly Jessica creeps up in front of me and out of no way she unexpectedly slaps me in the face. I was so caught off guard, but I had respect for myself, no way was i going to sink down to her level and hit her back, even though I know that's what she deserves.I walked right out of her house and didn't look back once. 

Dear diary, 

No one will understand the pain I went through,but truthfully I am walking out of this situation as a better person. I can't help what I feel but James has made it harder for me to trust boys. On a positive note, I walked out of his life and I couldn't be happier. I'll keep you updated.

Brooke 

Text message from James. It was late but I couldn’t stop staring at the 3 words, Hey what’s up? It was odd to me; I wondered how he got my number and questioned what his thoughts were behind the text message. I heard about him, my friends weren't too fond with him, honestly i don't know how his name was in my contacts, we just never spoke to each other. I couldn’t not answer, so I casually replied “hey not much you?”Since then our relationship grew, just as a rocket ship takes off and shoots up to the sky, James and I in my mind were only heading towards good things. After the many text messages back and forth, he asked what I was doing tonight and if we could possibly meet up. I felt nervous but still willing to get to know him better. Even though I knew we were just friends, I heard about him. I’m not foolish and I know I won’t be part of his sick mind games that he had with his ex- girlfriend Jessica. He speaks from his penis, not from his heart, overly said by my mom. I’ve recently been cautious, maybe even overly cautious however no way was I going to to be played. I thought to myself I need relax; maybe this one will be different.Ring! Ring! James is calling, I answered, “Hey!”He replied, “What’s up Brooke baby”, as you see he has a sense of humor that I happened to enjoy listening to.He continued, “I wanted to see if you wanted to come to one of my friend’s parties.”I smiled and spoke with a curious tone of voice, “Yeah I’ll go, but what time and can I bring a friend with me?”He responds in such a boy way, “Only if she’s cute babe.”I respond in such a girl way, “Sounds good babe.” Secretly knowing I’m just making fun of him.I knew just the person to bring my friend Emma. She was one of my best friends. When I looked back over my weekends, she was always there with me creating the most memorable times. I called her and filled her in with every possible detail I could share with her. She wasn't too excited, like i said she wasn't too fond of him but she agreed to come for me. She also agreed to be at my house in a little while, so we can get all dolled up together. I cranked up the volume to my stereo and together we laid out all the possible outfits we could create across my bed. I decided on a black turtleneck dress with red flowers designed beautifully along the dress. When I put the dress on, it rested on my mid-thigh, I thought the dress was a bit revealing. I felt wearing black leggings made me feel more comfortable, so I did just that. Emma’s outfit was quite the opposite, baggy ripped jeans, and a white low cut t-shirt. A long chained glass snake necklace hung on her t-shirt. I’d say by the time we were finished and ready to go, there was a glow to us, a shine that reminded me of a rainbow. Together we felt so alive but also felt shy, after all we were about to hangout with people we don't really know.There he was, waiting outside. I felt sneaky, knowing this was supposed to be a mom, I mean that’s what I told my mom. I thought about how us meeting face to face was going to be like, as Emma and I were walking down a hill and as I lifted my head up to wave, he gave me a wink. From there on I knew how the night was going to be. The car door flings open; James is seated in the middle back seat and obnoxiously says,“Hello, sexy ladies”“Hey” we go“Haha James move over!” I laughed nervously.“Nah, I want to sit next to you two!”Right away the conversation shifts to Emma and I being told the party is cancelled. I mouthed to Emma, I knew it was too good to be true. I looked directly at james and asked“What are we going to do now?” No response. I was completely ignored and as if getting ignored wasn’t bad enough, the guy in the front seat was gradually making the music louder.“Oh yeah, sweet” I said irritated. James puts his hand on my knee, and continues to use his smooth talk, “Babe relax, we’ll have fun”. He pulls beers from the truck and passes them around. There wasn’t much to the night, we drank and drove around. Emma is my witness, poor James he seemed very frustrated, he was thinking he was going to sneak a kiss in sometime throughout the night, he was wrong. Emma and I winked at each other and said our goodbye’s to the boys.It was late and I couldn’t stop laughing at James behavior, he also hasn’t stopped texting me and I haven’t stopped answering him. The sun was shining through my curtains, i felt fresh and i had a good feeling about today. By the way today is Sunday and I thought why not just give James a chance, i mean he is entertaining me. I went to James in my contents and pushed the send button. I put no thought into it, id thought ill just wing it and see what happens just like the attitude a card player sometimes has in a game. Not a surprise, he invites me over I feel daring I say yes ill be right over. Everything was moving along quite quickly, I just laughed at the whole process, thinking Ill just play this kid its want he deserves. He shocked me in so many ways, I arrive, he introduces me to his parents, he asked me what I would like to do, i saw a video game paused on his T.V screen and said, “We might as well play!” He laughs. I said we should switch things up a little, James makes a “huh” face and shockingly asked if I want some wine. I couldn’t breathe the thought of drinking wine while playing video games made my eyes tear. Like I said before, I was feeling daring. We sipped and played our fingers off. Once we viciously killed all the monsters, the vibe of just being his best buddy soon faded into something different as we laid on his bed, looking into each other’s eyes and asking each other what’s our deepest darkest secrets. I felt trust and he couldn’t stop making me laugh but not for one second did I show him I was beginning to feel something. Little messages kept appearing in my mind, just be smart! I felt weak, a rush of timid ness scattered throughout my body which suddenly controlled my eyes to shift away from his. My thoughts of our lips pressed against each other became more real every second. His signs of wanted to kiss me only grew stronger and stronger. I was confusing myself, I wanted to have fun but I didn’t want to get hurt but I couldn’t possibly get hurt because I just met him. I quickly changed the subject; I said proudly “we need to shave your face!” I let him know he was growing in hairs that honestly were not attractive. I dragged him into the bathroom, sat him on the toilet and shaved him with a big smile on my face. I couldn’t stop laughing, “You look handsome!”“As long as it makes you happy”, he says. It was 8 o’clock and I had plans to go out with my girls at 9, I thought James wouldn’t have a problem walking me home. How can I forget, it’s James he’s going to ask for a favor in return. What would you like? Pretending to be all ticked off, I want a kiss he says. I played funny little games with him, well at least i thought they were fun. I would go in for the kiss and then pull away when I saw him lean closer. I finally just gave him a simply kiss, i thought i would feel relived that the tension has disappeared however that wasn't the case. I wanted to give him a little more, I really was falling for him. He walked me home.Days went by, my feelings for James were really starting to show.Dear Diary,The words, I have feelings for you were not yet said to James because truthfully i wasn't ready to say them but I'm hoping James got the clue. I just didn't feel there was enough trust yet, it amazes me how long it's taking me to have trust in him. It dosen't seem to be amazing anyone around me, my friends strongly believe i shouldn't trust him, they overly keep reminding me to be careful with him. It makes me sad that my friends don't approve of James but i know they are just looking out for me. I'll keep you updated.Today is the day James will meet my mom. My mom invited James to eat dinner over, surprisingly dinner was not awkward. Just as any mom would do, she just didn't stop asking him questions. I brought home other boys, however this one felt different. Each day I was beginning to find more and more things I truly adored about James. As I felt more comfortable around him, the more I let go and soon our connection grew deeper and stronger. The warm, safe feeling his arm gave me as it was wrapped around my body was priceless, I just couldn't stop kissing him. We laid side by side watching movies all night, I felt like everything was finally feeling right.James phone broke, he gave me a list of his friends numbers and his house number where i could call. I felt werid calling both, so i didnt. Days passed by, no phone call from him either. My head was spinning with worried thoughts, i was beginning to feel lonely but i stayed positive, maybe he had an excuse, i said to myself over and over again. The next morning i didn't hestitate, i couldn't bare waiting around feeling hopeless, i called his house. He picked up casually like nothing was different. He rambles on how hockey started, rumors spread and Jessica found out about our relationship. Sadly that was only the beginning to when everything went down hill.I feel as im stuck in a cloud of all my thoughts and feelings, everything seemed to be blurry, until i felt drops of rain lightly falling down my face. It didn't phase me, i just kept walking. More rain kept pouring down, confusedly the rain started to cure my pain and yet managed to make me feel alive again. My phone begins to vibrate in my pocket, it was an unfamiliar number. I pick it up hoping it was someone who I can vent to, after all I could use a friend. It was the last person i needed to talk to, it was Jessica.
“Hey slut” Jessica shrieked into the phone.
“Why are you calling me?” I spoke in such an emotionless tone.
“Because I can and you’re with my ex-boyfriend, I don’t know who you think you are, he doesn’t even like you and by the way he still loves me”
In a brief minute I did a quick yoga breathing exercise I learned recently and then my feelings came roaring out, “This is none of your business, I honestly don’t care what you say. I know what he feels and he definitely does not have feelings for you like you said he’s your ex-boyfriend!”
I’m just warning you, you stay with him and you will go through trouble.” She laughs and hangs up the phone.
Wonderful! Jessica has a history of turning people against the person she despises at the moment, that’s the least of my worries I don’t want to run into her somewhere and have her do something irrational. I knew something had to be done! Even though James and I were not having the best of times, I needed to fill him in on all the drama and threats Jessica just dropped on me. I sat there venting to him, my words were getting all choked up, my eyes began to water and I was beginning to loose hope. Why is she so crazy? My voice gradually showed more pain and anger each time I said it. He interrupted me, “She’s all talk, I’m here for you and I like you.” His voice sounded so sincere, it was what I needed to hear.
Gossip, rumors, gossip, rumors!
1) James and Jessica hung out recently and couldn’t keep their hands off of each other.
2) James is just using me.
3) James still loves Jessica.

Text message from James. It was late but I couldn’t stop staring at the 3 words, Hey what’s up? It was odd to me; I wondered how he got my number and questioned what his thoughts were behind the text message. I heard about him, my friends weren't too fond with him, honestly i don't know how his name was in my contacts, we just never spoke to each other. I couldn’t not answer, so I casually replied “hey not much you?”
Since then our relationship grew, just as a rocket ship takes off and shoots up to the sky, James and I in my mind were only heading towards good things. After the many text messages back and forth, he asked what I was doing tonight and if we could possibly meet up. I felt nervous but still willing to get to know him better. Even though I knew we were just friends, I heard about him. I’m not foolish and I know I won’t be part of his sick mind games that he had with his ex- girlfriend Jessica. He speaks from his penis, not from his heart, overly said by my mom. I’ve recently been cautious, maybe even overly cautious however no way was I going to to be played. I thought to myself I need relax; maybe this one will be different.
Ring! Ring! James is calling, I answered, “Hey!”He replied, “What’s up Brooke baby”, as you see he has a sense of humor that I happened to enjoy listening to.He continued, “I wanted to see if you wanted to come to one of my friend’s parties.”I smiled and spoke with a curious tone of voice, “Yeah I’ll go, but what time and can I bring a friend with me?”He responds in such a boy way, “Only if she’s cute babe.”I respond in such a girl way, “Sounds good babe.” Secretly knowing I’m just making fun of him.I knew just the person to bring my friend Emma. She was one of my best friends. When I looked back over my weekends, she was always there with me creating the most memorable times. I called her and filled her in with every possible detail I could share with her. She wasn't too excited, like i said she wasn't too fond of him but she agreed to come for me. She also agreed to be at my house in a little while, so we can get all dolled up together. I cranked up the volume to my stereo and together we laid out all the possible outfits we could create across my bed. I decided on a black turtleneck dress with red flowers designed beautifully along the dress. When I put the dress on, it rested on my mid-thigh, I thought the dress was a bit revealing. I felt wearing black leggings made me feel more comfortable, so I did just that. Emma’s outfit was quite the opposite, baggy ripped jeans, and a white low cut t-shirt. A long chained glass snake necklace hung on her t-shirt. I’d say by the time we were finished and ready to go, there was a glow to us, a shine that reminded me of a rainbow. Together we felt so alive but also felt shy, after all we were about to hangout with people we don't really know.
There he was, waiting outside. I felt sneaky, knowing this was supposed to be a mom, I mean that’s what I told my mom. I thought about how us meeting face to face was going to be like, as Emma and I were walking down a hill and as I lifted my head up to wave, he gave me a wink. From there on I knew how the night was going to be. The car door flings open; James is seated in the middle back seat and obnoxiously says,“Hello, sexy ladies”“Hey” we go“Haha James move over!” I laughed nervously.“Nah, I want to sit next to you two!”Right away the conversation shifts to Emma and I being told the party is cancelled. I mouthed to Emma, I knew it was too good to be true. I looked directly at james and asked“What are we going to do now?” No response. I was completely ignored and as if getting ignored wasn’t bad enough, the guy in the front seat was gradually making the music louder.“Oh yeah, sweet” I said irritated. James puts his hand on my knee, and continues to use his smooth talk, “Babe relax, we’ll have fun”. He pulls beers from the truck and passes them around. There wasn’t much to the night, we drank and drove around. Emma is my witness, poor James he seemed very frustrated, he was thinking he was going to sneak a kiss in sometime throughout the night, he was wrong. Emma and I winked at each other and said our goodbye’s to the boys.It was late and I couldn’t stop laughing at James behavior, he also hasn’t stopped texting me and I haven’t stopped answering him. The sun was shining through my curtains, i felt fresh and i had a good feeling about today. By the way today is Sunday and I thought why not just give James a chance, i mean he is entertaining me. I went to James in my contents and pushed the send button. I put no thought into it, id thought ill just wing it and see what happens just like the attitude a card player sometimes has in a game. Not a surprise, he invites me over I feel daring I say yes ill be right over. Everything was moving along quite quickly, I just laughed at the whole process, thinking Ill just play this kid its want he deserves. He shocked me in so many ways, I arrive, he introduces me to his parents, he asked me what I would like to do, i saw a video game paused on his T.V screen and said, “We might as well play!” He laughs. I said we should switch things up a little, James makes a “huh” face and shockingly asked if I want some wine. I couldn’t breathe the thought of drinking wine while playing video games made my eyes tear. Like I said before, I was feeling daring. We sipped and played our fingers off. Once we viciously killed all the monsters, the vibe of just being his best buddy soon faded into something different as we laid on his bed, looking into each other’s eyes and asking each other what’s our deepest darkest secrets. I felt trust and he couldn’t stop making me laugh but not for one second did I show him I was beginning to feel something. Little messages kept appearing in my mind, just be smart! I felt weak, a rush of timidness scattered throughout my body which suddenly controlled my eyes to shift away from his. My thoughts of our lips pressed against each other became more real every second. His signs of wanted to kiss me only grew stronger and stronger. I was confusing myself, I wanted to have fun but I didn’t want to get hurt but I couldn’t possibly get hurt because I just met him. I quickly changed the subject; I said proudly “we need to shave your face!” I let him know he was growing in hairs that honestly were not attractive. I dragged him into the bathroom, sat him on the toilet and shaved him with a big smile on my face. I couldn’t stop laughing, “You look handsome!”“As long as it makes you happy”, he says. It was 8 o’clock and I had plans to go out with my girls at 9, I thought James wouldn’t have a problem walking me home. How can I forget, it’s James he’s going to ask for a favor in return. What would you like? Pretending to be all ticked off, I want a kiss he says. I played funny little games with him, well at least i thought they were fun. I would go in for the kiss and then pull away when I saw him lean closer. I finally just gave him a simply kiss, i thought i would feel relived that the tension has disappeared however that wasn't the case. I wanted to give him a little more, I really was falling for him. He walked me home.
Days went by, my feelings for James were really starting to show.
Dear Diary,
The words, I have feelings for you were not yet said to James because truthfully i wasn't ready to say them but I'm hoping James got the clue. I just didn't feel there was enough trust yet, it amazes me how long it's taking me to have trust in him. It dosen't seem to be amazing anyone around me, my friends strongly believe i shouldn't trust him, they overly keep reminding me to be careful with him. It makes me sad that my friends don't approve of James but i know they are just looking out for me. I'll keep you updated.
Today is the day James will meet my mom. My mom invited James to eat dinner over, surprisingly dinner was not arkward. Just as any mom would do, she just didn't stop asking him questions. I brought home other boys, however this one felt different. Each day i was beginning to find more and more things i truly adored about James. As i felt more comfortable around him, the more i let go and soon our connection grew deeper and stronger. The warm, safe feeling his arm gave me as it was wrapped around my body was priceless, i just couldn't stop kissing him. We layed side by side watching movies all night, i felt like everything was finally feeling right.

James phone broke, he gave me a list of his friends numbers and his house number where i could call. I felt werid calling both, so i didnt. A day passed by, no phone call from him either. My head was spinning with worried thoughts, i was beginning to feel lonely but i stayed positive, maybe he had an excuse, i said to myself over and over again.The next morning i didn't hestitate, i couldn't bare waiting around feeling hopeless, i called his house. He picked up casually like nothing was different. He rambles on how hockey started, rumors spread and Jessica found out about our relationship. Sadly that was only the beginning to when everything went down hill.

I feel as im stuck in a cloud of all my thoughts and feelings, everything seemed to be blurry, until i felt drops of rain falling on my forehead and lightly falling down my face. It didn't phase me, i just kept walking. More rain kept coming down, confusely the rain started to cure my pain and yet manged to make me feel alive again. My phone begins to vibrate in my pocket, it was a unfamilar number. I pick it up hoping it was a friend, after all i could use a friend. It was the last person i needed to talk to, it was Jessica.